An unfamiliar sting settled in my heart as I observed the two of them. I jumped to assumptions quickly, believing he might be interested in me. The strange way he acted around me fueled the thought that there might be something there, even if just a little bit.
Feeling weak and defeated, I question why I’m experiencing this. It doesn’t seem normal – I don’t know him, and I’m not even sure if he knows my name, or even notices me. Why am I allowing myself to feel like this? It’s uncomfortable, and I don’t like it.
With a few hours left in my shift, I was looking forward to going home, unable to bear the overwhelming emotions in my heart that felt like they were on the verge of bursting.
When I got home, I stood before the mirror, scrutinizing myself. The harsh internal dialogue began – “You’re old and unattractive. Why did you age like this? No makeup, no earrings – what happened to you, Why aren’t you taking care of yourself?” My eyes, once vibrant, now glistened with the residue of pain, reflecting the weight of unspoken words and the heartfelt release found in tears. I wondered why I was crying, feeling like I couldn’t handle it all.
All of a sudden, a flashback from my high school days flooded my thoughts. I was a sophomore, and nearly every girl in my class had a boyfriend. Strangely, I didn’t feel the need for one at the time. However, I did have a crush on someone who remained insensible to my feelings. It marked my first experience with puppy love and heartbreak – a heartbreak he wasn’t even aware of. Considering he was a year ahead in 3rd year of high school, my infatuation persisted until his 4th year. For two years, I admired him from a distance.
I guess, it became my style – keeping my feelings to myself, without expectations. Witnessing my female classmates making bold moves toward their crushes, only to see boys take advantage, left me with a sense of unease. Relationships are formed but rarely last three months, some are easily swayed by new attractions. Back then, I found this unhealthy, persuaded my decision not to date during high school.
I suppose I am a romantic at heart, believing in the essence of true love and mutual respect. I held off on relationships until I felt truly ready. Matthew was my first experience with puppy love, but he never noticed me; his attention was on my best friend, Grace. Enduring the daily pain of witnessing them together took a toll on my self-esteem. In that environment, I struggled to see myself as attractive to others.
A journey of self-reflection and acceptance unfolded during my younger years. Eventually, I reached a point where I decided to be done with the inner struggles and simply embrace the fact that God had created me wonderfully and fearfully.
My best friend in high school happened to be one of the most popular girls around. Despite letting go of my feelings for Matthew and not revealing it to Grace, they eventually started dating. Over time, I learned to be genuinely happy for them, even though seeing them together still caused a pang in my heart. At a young age, I wrestled with inner struggles silently.
When Matthew graduated, their relationship faced challenges. With him leaving the campus, my best friend explored connections with other guys, and their relationship gradually cooled, leading to a breakup. I stood by my best friend, offering support for whatever she believed was best for her.
In our 4th year, I finally opened up to her about a new guy I had my eye on, a transferee. However, upon discovering my interest, she made a move on him the very next day. Witnessing her talk, laugh, and engage in cute gestures with him, I felt a sense of disregard for my feelings. That’s when I decided to distance myself from her, as it seemed she hadn’t considered how her actions affected me.
Experiencing heartbreak from my best friend was particularly painful, as I had expected love and support from someone so close. It became evident that I was the one making sacrifices for our friendship. Surprisingly, her connection with the guy didn’t endure. As I distanced myself from them, I discovered a new circle of friends who embraced their singleness and reveled in God’s love. They welcomed me with open arms, and I made a conscious choice to divert my focus from boys and concentrate on my life goals.
In this new environment, I noticed myself blossoming in various aspects of my life. Understanding the love of God drew me to love myself more. I realized that self-love was the foundational step toward loving others. I became so engrossed in my personal growth that I didn’t worry about whether guys liked me or not. Embracing my singleness, I made a decision not to have a boyfriend until I turned 25.
Here I am again, facing a haunting flashback. I didn’t want to sink back into those feelings of inadequacy. I refuse to feel unattractive. As tears streamed down my face, I gazed at myself in the mirror. Closing my eyes, I uttered a prayer.
“God, I know I am loved and beautiful, regardless. Please guard my heart and help me love others as you intend. Don’t let this situation breed insecurities; instead, use it to deepen my capacity for love. Megan has become close to me, and I desire for her to experience your love too. I don’t want our friendship to crumble over a guy. I’m unsure if I even like Bryan. Why am I shedding tears over this? Why does it hurt? What am I feeling for him?”
I feel a strong connection to him from the very beginning, like there’s a magnetic pull. It’s something unfamiliar, and I didn’t expect to feel this way. It’s strange because we haven’t even talked. I wish we could have a normal conversation, though. The tricky part is, that whenever he’s around, things get awkward. I sense he’s a bit shy around me too. So, I’m kind of confused about what’s going on.
Wiping away my tears, I reassured myself, “You’re going to be okay. This is just a small hiccup, and you’ve dealt with similar situations before. You know what to do. The rest of the day will be better – just smile.” With that thought, I offered a smile to myself, settled into my desk, and reached for my journal.
What did those gestures mean? The smile each time I passed by, the intensity in your gaze – did I misinterpret everything? Why do you avoid the store when Megan is there but show up during my shift? Why does there seem to be mutual nervousness when you’re around? Is it just my imagination? I thought there was something more, that you might be interested.
The truth is, I’m not expecting you to reciprocate feelings. It’s fine if I simply like and admire you from afar. Your smile brightens my day, especially when I notice that you don’t smile much otherwise. I don’t aim to impress you; instead, I feel a calling to bring happiness into your day, just as I try to do for everyone around me, including my colleagues and people I meet.
As I caught a glimpse of your smile while Megan danced, I felt a subtle twinge in my heart. Strangely, after I cried it out, I’m okay with it. Seeing you happy, even if I’m not the reason, brings its own kind of peace. I understand that I can’t make you notice me. Despite that, I continue to admire you from a distance.
Your kindness towards others doesn’t go unnoticed. Even in our brief encounters, I sense the goodness in your heart. This only deepens my curiosity and interest in you. I find myself pondering about you more and more.
Can I admit to being a bit greedy? I hope she doesn’t see in you what I see. There’s a fear in me because if she does, she might fall for you, and it could lead to both of you being together. I tell myself I’ll be okay with it, but not just yet, not at this moment. I need time to be ready for that.
MEET ELENA
The next day, I made a choice to be okay and leave behind the pain from before. I convinced myself that it wasn’t a big deal, and life moves on. Heading to work, I greeted everyone in the usual way.
“Good morning, Lindsey,” the bell captain welcomed me with a smile. He was in his middle age, and I regarded him almost like an uncle. He was always kind, complimenting my smile and encouraging me to maintain my positive vibes. His words stuck with me, especially since, in the past, I hadn’t seen myself as a particularly happy person. It changed when my friends surprised me with a birthday celebration, and many of their messages emphasized how they appreciated my constant smile and happiness.
I guess I just enjoy brightening someone’s day with my smile. While I can’t help everyone, I believe a simple smile can make a difference. Maybe I’m just a bit crazy for greeting everyone, but who knows?
The day passed quickly as I organized shelves and rearranged souvenirs. During a few hours alone, I knew Elena would be arriving soon.
When she walked in, she greeted me with enthusiasm. “Good afternoon, Lindsey. How have you been? It’s been a while.”
“Oh, it’s you! I remember you,” I exclaimed, hugging her. “The one who works for the government, right? Welcome to Bloom Gift Shop.”
The company owned various gift shops in different hotels, and ours was in Bloom Beach Resort. Employee reshuffling was common, and this year, I was assigned here. I had worked with Elena a few times in Cloudy Cove, and I remembered her as the sweetest. We clicked instantly on our first day, laughing hard. I recalled her boldly asking a guest, “Sir, are you a celebrity?” with a look in her eyes as if she had love at first sight. “No, I’m not,” he responded with a deep voice and a wide smile. “You look like a celebrity, sir. Very handsome,” she said.
After the guest left, we both laughed like crazy people, almost peeing our pants. No shame, right? I would probably do the same. I realized that day that she was my soul sister.
The night passed quickly as Elena and I engaged in lively conversations while sorting through our bins of items. Working with someone was a welcome change; I’ve never been a fan of being alone. Today was genuinely enjoyable, and I found myself forgetting about the troubles I had been carrying. Elena’s company was a breath of fresh air.
We chatted about various topics, and I was particularly captivated by Elena’s cheerful demeanor. She was a happy person, and I appreciated her talkative nature. However, a lingering thought persisted in my mind—I couldn’t help but wonder about the hardships she might have faced to become the joyful person she is today.
Elena exuded goodness and a genuinely warm heart, yet there was a subtle sense that she had experienced her share of pain. Sometimes, we mask our struggles with a cheerful facade, and it struck me that behind every laugh, there might be a story of hardship. Life has a way of shaping us, and I sensed that Elena’s journey had been marked by both joy and challenges.
As I chatted with Elena, thoughts of him floated in the background. I wondered if he ever thought about me or if he wanted to see me. Trying to avoid the restroom, I held back on drinking too much water. I wasn’t ready to pass by and exchange smiles with him. Though it was almost time to leave, I silently hoped he was doing fine. The front desk was buzzing with check-ins.
While arranging souvenirs on the shelf, he walked by, catching me off guard. My heart raced, and I felt an unexpected surge of emotions. I hadn’t anticipated his presence since I wasn’t looking at their station. He looked at me and greeted me with a peace sign. I smiled in return. Though he didn’t smile at first, my usual cheerful demeanor seemed to prompt a shy smile from him. I continued organizing the shelves and moved to another section.
As I walked to the other side, I could sense him still looking at me from the corner of my eye. Upon returning to my initial position, I was supposed to face his direction, and there he stood, eyes fixed on me. I pretended not to notice, feeling a mix of confusion and intrigue.
Why? This guy was acting strangely.
I turned my back and smiled, maybe even blushed—I wasn’t entirely sure. “Girl, why are you smiling?” Elena teasingly asked, a hint of suspicion in her tone.
Hello lovely readers, thank you for dropping by again 🙂
Greetings! I’m diving into something new – a short story about love and friendship. Expect a fresh chapter every Sunday.
Thank you to those who encouraged me to take this leap, especially when I wasn’t confident. Life’s short, and I’ve embraced the idea of doing what makes us feel truly alive.
Here are the previous chapters: Chapter 1: Admiring You From Afar , Chapter 2: First Encounter, Chapter 3: The Dance of Hearts
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